By Bob Huber
Now that Mother’s Day is just a tumbleweed on yesterday’s fencepost, it’s time to light the big bonfire under Father’s Day, which is June 16. (Lots of bells and whistles here accompanied by more prize-winning metaphors.)
Anyway, why should the distaff side of parenthood get all the hullabaloo each year? I mean, isn’t it enough we gave them the vote and the Miss America Pageant? Gee whiz, what more do they want — a national holiday celebrating Marie Bobbit?
What I say is let’s take a much-needed paternal look at these holidays and begin right now to make Father’s Day the spectacular event it deserves by having marching bands, street dances, greased pigs, tugs of war, and lots and lots of neat gifts for dad. I’ll get the ball rolling by listing some really fantastic gifts for dad, alphabetically of course. Here we go:
• A is All those gifts you should start buying today, on credit if necessary, because you don’t want to leave dad dangling over a limp bouquet of Azaleas, if you get my drift.
• B is Bigger and Better gifts for dad this year, like a Banquet or a daughter’s Betrothal, instead of a Bugle or a stuffed Buzzard.
• C is Candy, which is dandy, but liquor is quicker, according to Ogden Nash.
• D is a personal Disk jockey for dad so he won’t have to listen to guys who separate good records from bad, and then play the bad ones on the radio.
• E is an Education for dad, which is what he has always been willing to pay for but never got.
• F is for Fun, even though the older dad gets, the more it costs.
• G is a personal Gardener for dad, because manure is a terrible thing to waste.
• H is Hair for dad, because it’s the only sure cure for baldness. Or consider an evening of Hilarity by outlawing basketball finals on television.
• I is for Immortality, which is dad’s dream and a writer’s false assumption.
• J is June l6, which is the day after Father’s Day this year, when you should start buying gifts for Father’s Day next year.
• K is a Kiss for dad, which is an end to speech when words are not needed anyway.
• L is for Love, which was a temporary insanity of dad’s youth, cured by marriage.
• M is for a successful Middle-age Man like dad, who deserves an award for making more money than his kids can spend.
• N is a Nightclub, a swell gift for dad, where people with nothing to remember go to forget.
• O is an Oboe for dad, another nice gift, but an ill woodwind that nobody blows good.
• P is Pajamas for dad, a garment newlyweds place on the nightstand in case of fire.
• Q is for … well, a Queen would be nice for dad or maybe some peace and Quiet. Q is a dangerous letter of the alphabet and should not be used in the home without adult supervision.
• R is a day at the horse Races for dad, the only place where windows clean people.
• S is a private Santa Claus for dad, because Santa is the fourth member of the Trinity.
• T is a Tabloid newspaper for dad, which is a publication for guys who move their lips when they look at pictures.
• U is for Utopia, a cheap gift for dad, because it’s a place without people.
• V is a Vacation, a great gift for dad. It’s what he can take when he can no longer take what he’s been taking.
• W is a glass of Water for dad, which is made with oxy-gin and hydro-gin. Oxy-gin is pure, while hydro-gin is gin and water.
• X is a Xylophone for dad. He’s always wanted an instrument that converts timber into timbre.
• Y is for Youth, because dad lost his when you were born.
• Z is for Zymurgy, which is the last word in the dictionary and just happens to be the science of fermentation.
So there you have it — Huber’s list of gift ideas for Father’s Day. Remember, only 21 shopping days left. Think big and expensive.
Bob Huber is a retired journalist.