Choose your own adventure in rhetoric

By Kevin Wilson

Trying hard to invalidate the flip-flop arguments? Or are you trying to prove that Bush is really turning the corner? Like John Edwards said, help is on the way.
What follows is the only speech you’ll need this election season. When you come to the items in parentheses, cross out the first for a pro-Kerry speech, the second for a pro-Bush speech. Happy campaigning! (For Ralph Nader voters, simply read one version followed by the other.)
This is a simple matter, one of (national security/economic survival). It comes down to whether or not you want to trust a (liberal flip-flopper/right-wing oil tycoon who insists on giving his rich friends tax breaks) or a (proven leader who carried this great nation through incomparable acts of terrorism/decorated Vietnam veteran who also understands the importance of winning the peace).
Obviously, somebody is lying, and I can tell you who: it’s those (protestors/Swift Boat Veterans) making claims that legitimate media sources have debunked. The fact is that (George Bush/John Kerry) did not (say Iraq helped coordinate the 9/11 attacks/fake injuries for war medals) and it’s backed up by many reports.
We need to bring this debate back to the American public, and if you agree this country is (losing its moral compass/heading in the wrong direction) because of (anti-Americanism and gay marriage/lost jobs and higher medical bills), then we must ensure George W. Bush (continues to fight the good fight/is voted out before he can do four more years of damage).
If you want the facts, watch (Fox News/anything but Fox News), and you’ll find that voters have many misperceptions. This administration has recently created jobs (at a record rate/that pay slightly more than minimum wage) and aims to eliminate (actions that eat away at our moral fiber/overtime wages for millions).
Besides, if (Bush/Kerry) is (wrong on Iraq/the flip-flopper), then what does that make his opponent? Remember he (voted for the war on Iraq and voted against the funding, then said it was right to go into Iraq even without finding weapons of mass destruction/stood against the 9/11 commission, agreed to testify only behind closed doors, then lauded the commission because it’s an election year).
There’s a reason (Kerry/Bush) doesn’t bring up his (successes through a 20-year Senate career/first-term accomplishments) — he has none. His opponent, meanwhile, has plans for the future, like his (ownership society/plan to cut out tax loopholes for those who would outsource American jobs). Any economist can tell you that (Kerry’s/Bush’s) policies will only (raise your taxes/spread wealth upwards), which is pretty much what you’ve come to expect from his party.
This is the most important election of our time, and the world is counting on us. The world population hopes we keep out (a man who will serve the United Nations before his own citizens/a president that said 9/11 affected the entire world, but chose to fight alone and lessen the chance of victory).
George W. Bush came into this White House (as part of God’s greater plan/because Florida senior citizens voted for Pat Buchanan). As Americans, we need to make sure that John Kerry (doesn’t threaten that mission/helps us atone with the rest of the world for the last four years).
This is the straight truth. If you don’t believe me, go pick up a copy of (Unfit for Command/Fahrenheit 9-11 on DVD this October). Rock the vote!

Kevin Wilson is the managing editor of the Portales News-Tribune. He can be reached at 356-4481, ext. 33 or by e-mail:
Kevin_Wilson@link.freedom.com