Planet Kevin makes its second orbit

By Kevin Wilson

It’s not often I write two columns about something, but sometimes inspiration sends you an e-mail.
During the summer, I did a column on “Planet Kevin,” a fictional planet with rules set to my values of common sense. It was loosely based on a standup comedy routine from Charlie Viracola called “Planet Charlie.”
After the column ran, I got a few compliments from Portales residents. To my surprise, the column’s presence on our Web site elicited another compliment — from Charlie himself.
I figure since I’ve got at least one new reader, I’ll give him what he wants. Planet Kevin fans, you asked for it:
On Planet Kevin, fast-food restaurants will not offer menus adhering to fad diets or a “health-conscious lifestyle” because anybody living a “health-conscious lifestyle” is not eating fast food.
On Planet Kevin, if you’re pulled over and the officer asks, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” and you know, the ticket is waived.
On Planet Kevin, there should be a ballot choice that says, “I’m only voting for you because I don’t like the other guy,” so our election winners realize that we don’t like all of their policies.
On Planet Kevin, anybody who buys a vehicle that gets 15 miles per gallon or less also waives any right to complain about gas prices.
On Planet Kevin, anybody who records an answering machine message with one of those, “Hello? (pause) Ha ha, I’m not really here” messages will be subject to an FCC fine.
On Planet Kevin, sizes for coffee cups come in small, medium and large — “tall” is not a size.
On Planet Kevin, bargain DVD bins will include a typed list of what DVDs the bin includes, so you don’t spend 30 minutes digging through copies of “House Party 2” and “House Party 3” to find a movie you’d actually watch.
On Planet Kevin, celebrities making political statements will be viewed as concerned citizens — nothing more, nothing less.
On Planet Kevin, gas stations will offer $1 coupons for “the perfect squeeze” — a task accomplished by suddenly letting go of the trigger and landing on an exact dollar amount.
On Planet Kevin, gasoline will be offered in three varieties — Unleaded, Better Unleaded, and You’re Just Showing Off, Aren’t You?
On Planet Kevin, a magazine subscriber can request a copy of that magazine without subscription cards.
On Planet Kevin, you can disavow online purchases if you hate the recommendations that are made based on that sale.
(This especially applies if you went to a site that rhymes with Camazon and bought a chick flick for a friend’s birthday, and now you get Hugh Grant recommendations every time you log in. This situation is, of course, hypothetical.)
On Planet Kevin, second-tier celebrities only get three tries at success. We’re watching you, Jay Mohr.
On Planet Kevin, anybody who complains about a professional athlete’s salary must also acknowledge that Adam Sandler makes the same salary as Alex Rodriguez ($25 million) for every film he makes.
On Planet Kevin, movies are only offered in widescreen format (take it or leave it, it’s my planet).
On Planet Kevin, the fame of a “reality show” cast member ends when the show does — no exceptions.
And Planet Kevin becomes more real with each of these columns. If you like any of these suggestions or have some of your own, write me.
Or better yet, send them to your congressmen. At the very least, I may get another reader.

Kevin Wilson is the managing editor at the Portales News-Tribune. He can be reached at 356-4481, ext. 33 or by e-mail:
Kevin_Wilson@link.freedom.com