Movie watching has peaks, and plenty of valleys

By Kevin Wilson

One of my friends and I have a long-standing agreement that we do holiday gifts after the holidays have passed, so we don’t repeat gifts and we have time to find the best deals.
A request I put in to her was for a movie poster of Citizen Kane, The Usual Suspects or Lost in Translation — movies I consider to be the high points of my collection.
I won’t tell you the low points of my collection, but I can safely say they are not nearly as low as the standard created by the Internet Movie Database (www.imdb.com). Recently, this movie/actor search engine compiled its user ratings of movies and put together the 100 lowest-rated movies in its database.
“Daniel — Der Zauberer” claimed the top, or should I say, bottom, spot. Apparently, it’s a tale about a boy who becomes famous on a German show similar to “American Idol” and then ends up being the target of an assassination by people who don’t like his music.
I haven’t seen this movie, and it’s safe to say that the local rental places don’t have it stocked. I went through the list, and wasn’t so fortunate on a few other movies.
I’ve seen eight of them. Share my misery.
No. 24: Gigli. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez star in a movie with far too many stretches of bad dialogue and flawed characterizations. This movie was so bad that A) it was rented using my bonus rental and B) I watched the movie over the course of two days, stopping for personal reflection. I could do a column on this movie alone.
No. 34: It’s Pat. The story of a person named Pat, played by Jan Hooks, whose gender is a mystery to everybody around him/her/it. Most Saturday Night Live skits are no longer funny after five minutes, which meant this movie was about 72 minutes too long. I slept though the final 45 minutes, and I’m sure my friend Jeff was jealous.
No. 44: Steel. John Irons (Shaquille O’Neal) designs weapons for the military, but becomes a vigilante when he finds out that gangs have acquired his advanced weaponry. What I could never figure out was how a 7-foot, 315-pound man could so easily keep a secret identity.
Nos. 45 and 51: Police Academy 5 and 6. The fact that the seventh movie in the series is also on the list is all I need to tell you.
No. 53: Mannequin on the Move. This movie serves as evidence that many movie channels need not exist if this is what is being shown.
No. 65: Problem Child 2. This is the best movie I’ve ever seen about a child trying to stop his father from marrying a rich girl starring Gilbert Gottfried as a principal. It’s also the worst. This movie should be destroyed in respect to John Ritter.
No. 68: Mr. Nanny. A former pro-wrestler (Hulk Hogan) is hired to be the bodyguard/nanny for a couple of bratty kids whose inventor father is being stalked by a rival. This movie is so bad, my friend Jeff’s movie selection privileges were revoked (he also picked “It’s Pat”). It is funny in the morbid, “That joke fell flat on its face” way, so it’s worth at least a free rental.
Be sure to check out the list for yourself and see how many movies into misery you are. You probably won’t be able to rent them, because not a lot of self-respecting rental businesses dedicate shelf space to them.
Either that, or my friend Jeff already rented them out.

Kevin Wilson is the managing editor of the Portales News-Tribune. He can be reached at 356-4481, ext. 33, or by e-mail:
Kevin_Wilson@link.freedom.com