By Bob Huber
Recently I spent an hour in the company of lofty mathematics as part of mind-boggling research into the whims of the zodiac. I was seeking the ultimate horoscope.
Don’t take me wrong. I’ve never been convinced that success and romance can be had by reading the stars. It’s just that part of my background dictates that I try to get along with everyone and follow that old Latin bromide, “Modus Vivendi,” which means, “We can get along if we don’t see each other very much.”
So following much confusion over which end of the telescope to put to my eye, I finally came up with star-studded guidelines to the future, complete with birth data and the color socks you should wear this year.
(Author’s note: Soothsaying should not be tried in the home without consulting writers of short, humorous pieces. Call or write for fees.)
Here then is a horoscope for you for the remainder of 2005. If you’ve already messed up this year, call your lawyer or preacher, whichever is applicable.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): If you get fired this year or the horn blows at midnight, don’t blame it on Wal-Mart. It’s simply a bad year for Aquarians. As a matter of fact, this would be a good time to move to Cincinnati and raise sheep. You should wear red socks.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): If you’re looking for sympathy this year, catch a summer cold. But don’t get carried away. No one likes a runny nose, especially on windy days. Stay downwind. Socks: Brown.
ARIES (March 2l-April 19): Folks will be put off by your aggressive, take-over attitude, but stick with it anyway. After all, it’s the first time you’ve successfully asserted yourself. Next year you can relax and revert back to your normal wishy-washy self and remain that way the rest of your life. Socks: Yellow.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Enthusiasm over your latest endeavor could go a long way this year toward purging your name from Christmas card lists. No matter. Most folks can’t spell pornography anyway. Socks: Skin Tones.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21): Join the national trend toward curbing extravagance. Mortgage your house to pay for your next SUV tank full. Then take the rest of the year off and go hunting mountain lions with a pen knife. Above all, avoid stress. Socks: Crimson.
CANCER (June 22-July 22): Demand that everyone around you do their fair share this year. Then go fishing. Don’t take any guff about it. Remember it’s the squeaky wheel that makes folks cover their ears and grind their teeth. Socks: Blue.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You pulled a dumb stunt when you told your spouse what he or she could do with this year. Don’t think you can get by with a simple apology. But don’t get carried away and grovel. Maintain a little dignity. Socks: Green.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You might try hitching your wagon to a star this year, but avoid clichés. On the other hand, you could bury your head in the sand and avoid everything, including other ostriches. Remember, games may be lost, but cheerleaders are a guy’s best friend. Socks: Black.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): It’s an ill wind that blows the TV antenna off your roof this year, but you can always buy a lottery ticket or read dirty e-mail messages. The main thing is, clean up your garage. What a mess. Socks: Fuchsia.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): Baby showers and women in red play havoc with your budget this year. Do something about your allergy to children, or at least find a new excuse. Market your creations, even if no one wants a dried cow pie or a road-killed raccoon. Remember, they didn’t appreciate Elvis at first. Socks: Avoid orange.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I can’t tell you Sagittarians much about 2005, because that’s your nature. You might try a drink to mellow out, but be careful. Some Sagittarians get whimsical after one drink, but give them two and oh boy! Hint: After four martinis you won’t care if you’re mellow or not. Socks: Pink, like in elephants.
• CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Most Capricorns will get fidgety this year and scared of the dark, especially when they have to take the dog out in the back yard at night in pajamas. My suggestion, get a long extension cord. Or better yet, get rid of the dog. Go barefoot this year, but avoid backyards. Socks: Don’t wear any.
Bob Huber is a retired journalist living in Portales. He can be contacted at 356-3674.