Bob Huber: Humor Columnist
I was rocking my chair last week when it dawned on me that I might be over the hill — a hair-raising experience for someone as young and vibrant as I am. So I called my daughters to confirm my youthful status:
“What brought this on?” they asked.
“Well, things are different nowadays,” I said. “Me and my teeth don’t sleep together anymore, and when I tried to straighten out the wrinkles in my socks, I discovered I wasn’t wearing any. Then in the bathroom mirror I looked just like the guy on my driver’s license. Tell me the truth now, am I old?”
“Pops, we hate to break it to you, but yes, you’re no longer youthful,” they said. “But don’t take our word for it. Test yourself.”
They outlined a few salient guideposts for me ranging from terminal napping to remembering where I parked my car. “If you recognize more than 10 of these guidelines, you’re definitely over the top,” they said. “If you recognize more than 20, forget it and get drunk.”
So here is the test they gave me. Just say, “You know you’re old when …
• That snap, crackle and pop you heard when you got out of bed this morning wasn’t the sound of breakfast cereal.
• Your back goes out, but you stay home.
• You have to play Bouncing Betty to get up from the couch.
• Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
• Happy hour is a nap.
• Your energy peters out before your money does.
• You look down to make sure the street is still there before stepping off a curb.
• Weight lifting is standing up.
• It takes longer to rest than to get tired.
• Your memory is shorter, but your complaints are longer.
• Most names in your address book begin with “Doctor.”
• You sit in a rocking chair but can’t get it going.
•Your pharmacist has become your best friend.
• “Getting lucky,” means you remember where you parked.
• It takes twice as long to look half as good.
• Everything hurts. If it doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t work.
• You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
• You finally get your head together, but your body’s fallen apart.
• You wonder how come you’re over the hill when you’ve never been to the top.
• Do you really have more patience, or is it that you just don’t care anymore?
• You can’t find your hearing aids, because you can’t find your glasses.
• The twinkle in your eye is a reflection off your bifocals.
• You scold your grandkids and sound just like your grandpa used to.
• All you want for your birthday is a time machine.
• You get a hair brush set for Christmas, but can’t remember what it’s for.
• You look for your glasses for half a day before you find them on top of your head.
• You cut out drinking, but you still wake up with hangovers.
• You stop smoking, but you still wheeze.
• You do all your heavy reading in the bathroom.
• You think Readers Digest is a good joke book.
• You can’t remember the last time you saw a movie in a theater.
• Your first love was a movie star, but everyone looks blank when you mention her name.
• You still walk briskly, but not very far.
• You like to have your grandkids come around so they can find your remote.
• You think sarcasm is a lost art.
• You’ve got money to burn, but the fire’s out.
• Often you don’t remember to zip up. What’s worse, you sometimes forget to zip down.
Bob Huber is a retired journalist living in Portales. He can be contacted at 356-3674.