Priorities become simpler with age

Bob Huber: Local Columnist

In these troubled times when we’re smothered by hurricanes, terrorists, tattoos, and bad football seasons, it’s time to probe an even greater baffling question, one that has tormented mankind for thousands of years — “What does a woman want in a man?”

I have some answers, because I spent 51 years researching that puzzle, but I’ve come to the conclusion that 15 minutes on the Internet is easier.
Here’s what I found:

WHAT EVERY WOMAN (AGE 20) WANTS IN A MAN
• Handsome and charming.
• A caring listener
• Witty.
• In good shape.
• Full of thoughtful surprises.
• An imaginative, romantic lover.

WHAT EVERY WOMAN (AGE 32) WANTS IN A MAN, REVISED LIST
• Nice looking (preferably with some hair)
• Opens car doors, holds chairs.
• Has enough money for an occasional nice dinner out.
• Listens more than talks.
• Owns at least one tie.
• Remembers birthdays and anniversaries.
• Gets romantic at least once a month.

WHAT EVERY WOMAN (AGE 42) WANTS IN A MAN, REVISED LIST
• Not too ugly (balding acceptable.)
• Works steady.
• Nods when I talk.
• Remembers most punchlines.
• Remembers to put toilet seat down.
• Shaves some weekends.

WHAT EVERY WOMAN (AGE 52) WANTS IN A MAN, REVISED LIST
• Keeps nose hair trimmed.
• Doesn’t scratch in public.
• Doesn’t nod off when I’m talking.
• Doesn’t retell jokes too often.
• Doesn’t wear white socks to church and changes underwear daily.
• Appreciates a good TV dinner.

WHAT EVERY WOMAN (AGE 62) WANTS IN A MAN, REVISED LIST
• Doesn’t scare small children.
• Only snores lightly.
• Remembers why he’s laughing.
• Can stand up by himself.
• Can eat steak if cut in small pieces.
• Remembers where he left his teeth and hearing aids.

WHAT EVERY WOMAN (AGE 72 PLUS) WANTS IN A MAN
• Breathes.
• Doesn’t miss the toilet.