Helena Rodriguez: Freedom Newspapers
Time again for my annual Christmas letter, a tradition dating all the way back to last year when I had nothing better to do than pretend I had a better year than you.
When I adopted this ancient ritual, I decided traditional Christmas letters are too pretentious, so I’ve developed this multiple-choice form letter, which can be tailored to any situation. Simply circle the responses that best fit you and, bah humbug, an instant Christmas letter that looks as personalized as a White House Christmas card. Just clip, sign and mail.
My Dearest ___________:
A) Family and friends
B) Casual acquaintances who I feel a need to impress
C) Drinking buddies who don’t give a damn
D) People to whom I owe money/Owe me money (pay up)
It’s that time of the year again. I’d just like to take this moment to ____________ during this holiday season.
A) Wish you and yours (the best)
B) Say “up yours”
Please accept this most heartfelt __________
A) Merry Christmas
B) Seasons greetings (for the atheists)
C) Feliz Navidad
D) Merry Grinchmas
As we prepare to celebrate this joyous time, and of course I’m talking about __________
A) The birth of Jesus
B) The Dallas Cowboys comeback
C) Forgiveness of interest on past-due loans and gambling debts owed to me
Let me cut through the chase and get on to the most important matter: my family’s accomplishments, which I’m sure will out Christmas letter yours. This was a year of many blessings. We _____________
A) Added a new bundle of joy to our clan
B) Joined the Ku Klux Klan
C) Won $100 on scratch offs
D) Purchased our dream home
To add to our joy, the kids all __________
A) Made the “A” honor roll again
B) Joined AA
C) All of the above
D) None of the above
To top it off, the kids ______________
A) Were named most talented, superstar soccer kids in the universe and yours will never top that so Merry Christmas again.
B) Were able to plea bargain and receive reduced sentences for “the shooting incident”
C) Kids, we have kids?
As for me, I fulfilled a dream by going to Mexico this summer to __________
A) Study Spanish and walk on ancient pyramids
B) Get cheap dental work and stock up on over-the-counter antibiotics
C) Find an inexpensive housekeeper.
During my stay in Mexico, I got a taste of the native culture by ___________
A) Touring Mayan villages
B) Getting mugged at knifepoint
C) Eating at McDonald’s
As the year draws to a close, we expect to end it with a bang because _________
A) Maria’s having a shotgun wedding.
B) Johnny’s getting out on parole
C) Dallas just may make the playoffs
As you can see, judging by not only my personal accomplishments, but those of our great nation __________
A) FEMA disasters
B) Electing more conservatives to the Supreme Court
C) Adding Dora the Explorer to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
This has certainly made for a great year. How about them __________?