Christmas form letter simplifies annual tradition

By Helena Rodriguez: Freedom Newspapers

I’m running behind schedule this Christmas season. I’m just getting around to writing, or should I say, filling in my annual multiple-choice Christmas letter. It’s the ultimate form letter. Just circle the category that applies and bah hum bug!
This standard letter is as personalized as a White House Christmas card or a winning lottery e-mail.

Here it goes:

My Dearest _______________________
A) Family and friends
B) Colleagues
C) Unionized employees
d) Exes who live in Texas

Here’s wishing you __________________
A) A Merry Christmas
B) A Happy Valentine’s Day (For those in retail marketing who’ve moved on to the next major holiday)
C) Un Feliz Navidad
D) Many clearance rack specials

I hope and pray that this letter finds you and yours in ________________
A) The best of health (or if not, hope you at least have a good health care plan)
B) A hybrid gas-saving car and not one of those gas guzzling SUVs (Sucker!)
C) A conscious state of mind
D) A flexible cellular phone plan with an unlimited circle of friends

I must say that this has been a year of monumental ___________________
A) Debts
B) Personal achievements (Only two more steps to go in the 12-step program)
C) Interest rate increases
D) Proportions and/or extortions

It seems like just yesterday _______________________
A) It was Thursday (Wait a minute, I think it was)
B) It was the day before today
C) The Republicans were in control
D) Kiss Me Elmos were the hottest Christmas toy

But now, as we prepare to embark on another ________________ and ring in a new year
A) NBA season
B) Holiday season
C) Immigration debate
D) Iraq exit strategy discussion

This is a perfect opportunity for me to once again __________________
A) Bore you to tears with excessive details of my uneventful life
B) Offer you a payday loan at only 20% interest
C) Offer you an opportunity to make millions of dollars working at home
D) Brag about the beachfront property in Arizona which we got for $900 on e-Bay

This year I met _______________________
A) The man/woman and/or Internet date of my dreams
B) My sales quota at work
C) Elvis Presley at a gas station in Friona
D) My match at Johnny’s Cantina

I could not have asked for a ____________________
A) Better year
B) More expediate divorce
C) Better aim at Johnny’s brother
D) More understanding parole officer

As for the kids, they have made our family proud by ___________________
A) Getting their hands on a Playstation 3 (and hocking it for $200)
B) Winning $30 on the scratch-offs
C) Unselfishly volunteering their time to worthwhile causes, like Friends of Breast-Feeding Animals on Airplanes and the United Coalition to Permit Smoking in Porta Potties
D) Landing a spot on the Wife Swap reality show

But enough about us. May you be filled with __________________
A) The true spirit of Christmas
B) Lots of spirits to get through Christmas
C) An unselfish desire to devote your life to expensive cosmetic surgery to help make this world a better place and your body a center of attention
D) Your share of egg nog and brick-hard fruitcake
All joking aside now, may God truly bless you and your family this Advent season and fill you with a true joy and peace.