After announcing my candidacy last week as a presidential write-in candidate on the Green Tea Party ticket, today I’m unveiling our trick-or-treat platform.
“Green Tea Party’s I-Am-Not-a-Witch Covenant with America”
We won’t criticize their platform — if they don’t criticize our platform shoes.
If they don’t mention our college hijinks, we won’t mention their weekly trips home.
If they won’t waste our time with flag-burning amendments, we won’t waste theirs with Constitutional questions.
If they don’t question our citizenship, we won’t make redneck jokes.
If they won’t use religious hypocrisy, we won’t ask how many commandments they can recite.
If they don’t demonize us for using facts over emotions, we will shovel through their emotions for facts.
If they won’t clamor for war against ethnic groups, we will surgically target actual attackers.
If they don’t defend those making fortunes dishonestly, we will defend those creating jobs honestly.
If they won’t blame the country’s ills on stereotypes and generalizations with simplistic solutions — we will work together on complex problems with realistic proposals that demand respect, sacrifice, compromise, innovation, responsibility and accountability.
Please join our Party for an evening of — what free-radical-tea-totalers might consider inappropriate — “brainstorming” over bottomless campaign-expense, antioxidant-rich Long Island Green Teas at Goober’s.
Of course, in Portales, it won’t be tonight. It’s Sunday.