My turn: Headlines predicted to come

Here are some Portales News-Tribune headlines I expect to see:

• Portales Builds Hydroelectric Plant Powered by City Gutters — Will Operate Four Days a Year

• New Portales Restaurant Serves Vegetables; Sued by National Rifle Association

• Portales First City in Nation to Have More Gas Stations Than Restaurants — But No KFC

• Tea Party Candidate Defeats Republican in Roosevelt County — Democrat Finishes Distant Third as the 29 Democratic Voters Given Armed Escorts

• Two Anonymous Commenters on Portales News-Tribune Website Discover They Are Married After Non-Anonymous Policy Implemented: ‘RedState’ and ‘BlueState’ Divorcing After Realizing They Have Been Bashing Each Other for Years

• Teen Attempts Hold-Up of Book Depository — Leaves Peacefully After Being Asked for Proper I.D. and Told His Portales Library Card Had Expired

• Texan Cited for Going Wrong Way on Highway 70: Tells Judge He Thought Honking Was Just Portales Folks Being Friendly

• Portales Hosts First ‘Running of the Strays’: Six Seniors Nipped

• PNT Food Columnist Argen Duncan Sues Chef Juandel Over Stolen Recipe

• Gray-Haired Portales Men on Lunch Break Ordered to Take Drug Tests After Whipping College Students in Basketball

• Roosevelt County’s 30 Churches Boycott Columnist Wendel Sloan After He Fails Ten Commandments Test; Sloan Claims He Passed Six of the Nine; Churches Say .666 Percentage Not Good Enough; Presbyterians Confuse it with Batting Average, Recruit Him for Centerfield