With tassel-time here, I’ve asked cousin Chef Juandel to give graduates a fresh batch of advice about the real world.
Last year another cousin, The Anglo Mariachi Cowboy, warned greenhorns not to get their hopes up about dream jobs — instead to concentrate on deep-frying skills.
This time Chef will spoon-feed tips on shoestring-stomach-stuffing.
• Forget $5-off coupons for Red Lobster and Chili’s.
By the time your I’ll-go-out-with-anyone-for-a-free-meal date orders lobster or baby-back ribs, you ply them with tequila, leave a 40-percent tip hoping that the waitress will tweet you, then pay the monthly interest on your alumni credit card — you’re well over $100.
Under Chef’s plan, for that you can eat low-on-the-hog for a month.
• Start with Wal-Mart’s 50-cent Banquet pot-pies. They’re more watery than Marie Callender’s, but you won’t need Milwaukee’s Best to wash them down.
• At Albertson’s, use unlimited disguises to get unlimited free samples.
• At Furr’s, conceal doggie bags in cargo pants.
• At surplus stores, buy dented five-gallon cans of stewed tomatoes.
• Stop by Super Save at closing time and offer to take the leftover fried chicken to nursing homes.
• Visit different churches weekly for “recruiting-lost-sheep” potlucks (don’t take the “five-loaves-and-two-fish” parable too literally).
• Visit the Portales Public Library and “borrow” Chef Juandel’s “50 Ways to Leave Your Love for Healthy Food Behind.”