New Year’s resolutions that I can’t possibly keep include:
• Not yawning when stars are praised excessively for charitable acts — even though it costs them little for the fawning attention.
• Not Sunday-morning-quarterbacking pietists who say that the United States was founded on Christian principles — but can’t name any.
• Not scoffing at trite comments about good deeds being rare — when such deeds are more common and satisfying than bad ones.
• Not sneering at those who think that the lives of foreigners and the disenfranchised are less valuable than their own.
• Not gagging at voters who shout simplistic slogans — and ridicule nuanced solutions.
• Not lobbing vocal grenades at knee-jerk patriots who think that it is unpatriotic to oppose any of our country’s wars — even though they declined to serve.
• Not smirking at politicians who say “God Bless America” — but can’t define what God is or who should be blessed: felons, illegal immigrants, gay couples, evolutionists … ?
• Not verbally pepper-spraying moral police who think that smoking cigars in office precludes being an effective president — even though the smoker balanced the budget.
• Not believing that I am more thoughtful, generous and kind than others — even though I am, of course.
One resolution that I have not made is ending skeptical or curmudgeonly columns. If that is your resolution for me, petition my editor.