I need a pair of sunglasses.
I don't need them for driving, because the sun blinding me is really just motivation to clean my windows. I don't need them to look cool; let's face it, I gave up on that years ago.
No, the real reason is … I want to be funnier.
There's a show called, "CSI: Miami," which is popular in the ratings, despite never drawing me in. I've never seen an episode, but the intro has taken on such a life even I know about it.
Here's the setup for most episodes: The camera does a crane shot or something showing you the dead body, or the crime scene … before revealing David Caruso, in sunglasses. The character Caruso plays (I'm not interested enough to look up the name, and it doesn't really matter, so let's call him Mortimer) surveys the scene. Then, Mortimer starts his pithy comment, and takes off the sunglasses while finishing it. A screeching, "Yeeeeahhhhh," leads into the opening credits.
Example: Camera shows dead man floating in a training pool. "It looks like he," Mortimer says, sliding off his glasses, "he will be settling for a bronze medal." Yeeeeahhhhh …
On Friday, I posted to my Facebook that I was frustrated at not having a perfect punchline for the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes divorce. My friends and I went to a game of one-liner tennis:
- Looks like being married to Tom is … "Mission: Impossible."
- I guess he's not the "Top Gun" in her life anymore.
- Katie's lost that loving feeling … Whoa oh that loving feeling.
- A Hollywood marriage is … "Risky Business."
- He asked Katie for the truth, and she said he couldn't handle it.
- He had her at goodbye.
- The divorce lawyer's going to say, "Show me the moneeeeeey."
I'll stop there. I could do an entire column just on the puns we put together, but I've already overdone it.
Each of these is somewhat funny, but I need something to push them over the top. That's where the need for Caruso sunglasses comes in.
Imagine "CSI: New Mexico." Starring me. I wouldn't be doing anything important like solving crimes. I'd just be sitting around somewhere on my free time, wearing glasses and waiting for the opportunity to remove them, while chiming in.
OK, so that show is a terrible idea. But the sunglasses still have some promise.
Especially when you run into something that, sorry Tom, "appears to be a target-rich environment."
Did you just feel me taking off my sunglasses? Makes it slightly funnier, doesn't it?
No? Maybe I'll give that cool thing another shot.
Kevin Wilson is a columnist for Clovis Media Inc. he can be contacted at 763-3431 or by email: