In search of ponies: Doomsday prophecies laden with animals

If you're reading this, it's safe to say it didn't happen.

And it's OK to admit you smiled a little when you woke up this morning — be it a sarcastic smirk because you never believed, or a happy smile because humanity survived.

Yep, the delivery of the paper this morning, or the fact that there are fresh stories on the web means only one thing … Armageddon shmarmageddon.

Well, actually, make that two things, because today is also the day of the crocodile.

People born today will have the attributes of the crocodile, according to the Mayan calendar which ended yesterday (without incident).

Clever, aggressive, protective, energetic and creative while sensitive and defensive, crocodile people can also be among some of the most nurturing caretakers, according to the astrological beliefs of the Mayans.

And if you happen to be genuinely glad to be alive today, you will also be glad to know the day of the crocodile is also considered a new beginning and an opportunity for a fresh start.

As luck would have it, and it is considered a lucky sign, it is also the year of the dragon, according to Chinese astrology, so between the crocodile, dragon, and the rising sun this morning, there's plenty to smile about.

Interestingly, the thing that never happened yesterday is laden with animals.

Take for instance Nibiru, the nonexistent planet that didn't destroy the Earth.

The name given by the Sumerians to identify the highest point in the night sky, Nibiru (not a planet) has been historically referred to as a sheepherder to the stars, keeping watch over them as they pasture, and seeing them on their paths as they move through the night sky — perhaps spurring an early version of counting sheep.

Funny little fact about Nibiru, (the non-planet that didn't destroy the Earth yesterday), in 1995 the woman who introduced the idea identified it as a monstrous planet that would pass by the Earth in 2003, then return to destroy civilization yesterday. Shortly before the 2003 pass-by (that never happened), she called for people to have their pets euthanized.

Turns out, that has been a pervasive thought associated with the whole thing, with scientists reporting that people have, for some time now, been asking, if, in preparation for the big non-event, they should take their own lives and those of their pets.

As if enough animals haven't died already due to the shifting of the magnetic poles which didn't destroy the Earth yesterday.

The brightest minds on the planet swear that if the magnetic poles shifted suddenly (and impossibly), every GPS on the planet would go wacky, so if, thanks to that lovely British voice in your dash, you found your way yesterday, that should settle that.

However, in the last couple years leading up to the magnetic poles suddenly not shifting yesterday, thousands of animals inexplicably dropped dead all over the planet, or as a leading conspiracy theory suggests, committed suicide to avoid the destruction of the planet.

Oh, and that other thing you might have noticed didn't happen was a planetary alignment. Not only do they happen regularly, planetary alignments take place so very far away, that with a distance of 165 quadrillion miles from the Milky Way's black hole, Earth didn't even feel a shift in the breeze — assuming NASA knows what they are talking about.

And don't worry, they may have stronger noses, but even Fido can't detect things quadrillions of miles away and the pet experts assure that they won't notice the non-event.

However surely they are astute enough to notice the Henny Penny's, Chicken Little's, Ducky Lucky's and Ducky Daddles that should have woken this morning to realize the thing that started it all was an acorn falling from the sky, rather than the sky itself.

And hopefully, none of the animals of the apocalypse-that-never-was were harmed in the making of the Great Farcical Fallacy of 2012.

Sharna Johnson is a writer who is always searching for ponies. You can reach her at: or on the web at:

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