When I'm asked where I get ideas for this column, I explain that in my travels among the agricultural masses, everyone has a story to tell…and they tell me! Almost always they include getting bucked off, run over or humiliated in some form, by large domestic mammals. However, there are some subjects that are just not suitable for a column with such integrity, like mine. Even if I intend to be educational I am somehow lead to the whacko side…like Martin and his colonoscopy saga.
I admit I could write a serious column about the necessity of 50-year-olds to include this exam on their bucket list…whoops. See what I mean? I'm already speaking in the double entendre; bucket list, chamber pot, honey wagon.
It would also be acceptable for me to discuss the procedure using proper medical terminology with words like preparation, fasting, administration, evacuation, but I begin to drift into wind velocity, high tide, flood warning, and the Seismic scale which make me sound more like a first responder than a serious medical person!
Martin's version is more colorful, probably TMI…too much information, for our serious readers. For instance, he warns about scheduling the fasting stage over the holiday and not being able to eat Mom's turkey, pumpkin pie or eggnog. She would be grievously worried about his health because he has always been known for his cast iron stomach, able to eat road kill, metal bottle caps, and his brother's science project growing in the refrigerator!
He also cautioned me against overdosing. I could best translate his admonition as "a little bit goes a long way!" The distance to the doctor's office is also critical. As Martin described the two-hour trip from Bruneau to Homedale, it was like a leaky boat racing to shore and having to make frequent stops to lighten the load.
But, in the end…pardon me, Martin got a clean bill of health and he thought by sharing his story with our readers he could benefit us all, Butt…see, it just keeps on punning…his attempt to make humor about a serious subject isn't always proper, especially in my column. There are just too many temptations to use questionable analogies like, preg checking, bull's eye, slicker than a whistle, sighting in, Roto Rooter, the long run, a tapeworm's eye view, a snake charmer, an emissions check, Hazmat suit, shrapnel protection…
Sorry Martin, as you can see I have a responsibility to my readers. Call me when you want to talk about something less sensitive…like infertility of Sage hens in Colorado.
Baxter Black is a self-described cowboy poet, ex-veterinarian and sorry team roper. He can be contacted at 1-800-654-2550 or by e-mail at: firstname.lastname@example.org