It’s either pigskins or purple hair

The “Dear Cuzins” advice column is written by cousins Wendel Sloan, Chef Juandel, The Anglo Mariachi Cowboy and Bootlegger Sloan.

Here is a recent submission and response:

 

Dear Cuzins,

I am a 23-year-old 11th-grade graduate of Clovis High School. My 18-year-old boyfriend — a Wildcat offensive lineman — has become a jerk.

Yesterday he wouldn’t stop watching football long enough to get me products for my naturally purple hair from Family Dollar so I could look good for our date at Long John Silver’s.

He won’t even give me dollar bills and his credit card anymore for Chippendales’ Ladies Nights at Portales’ Dawg House.Wendel-SloanBW-350

How can I make him stop being selfish and treat me like a babe again?

— Ruth

 

Dear Babe Ruth,

Fortunately, we know you and can knock this one out of the park.

You’re the kind of Goth goddess that the galaxy revolves around — possibly the Universe. You’ve even bragged a book in the Bible is named after you.

Your boy-toy blocker doesn’t appreciate your celestial-ness.

If you’ve become a convenience for buying him Keystone, don’t be convenient (or cheap). You get treated the way you command — not demand.

Your well-fed hunk should ponder not only what is he getting out of the relationship, but what are you?

Tell him if football is more important than you looking good over fried hushpuppies, in Ruth’s playbook “xo” no longer means hugs and kisses.

Unless he enjoys after-game showers, it is beyond us why he chooses grunting men fighting for paydirt over a delicate potted flower.

Remind him that — except in Texas — spiked hair trumps spiked footballs.

Then tell your beefy fried-shrimp aficionado if he chooses pigskins over purple hair, he will be Ruthless.

With 11 years of Clovis schooling, we know you can read between the lines (wink, wink).

 

Send “Dear Cuzins” letters to Wendel Sloan at:
wendel.sloan@yahoo.com

 

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