“Gravity” too powerful for pet peeves

When I’m watching movies at home, I have only a few pet peeves:

• My place has neither Cherry Coke, popcorn or Milk Duds, my theatrical necessities.

• When the DVD has so many previews before the movie, I forget what movie I was about to watch.

• When my friend asks me to get her a soda, only as a ploy to take control of the remote and pick the worst movie possible on Netflix before I return with her drink order.

When I’m watching movies elsewhere, I love movie trailers, and my friend doesn’t have a remote. But there are some theater pet peeves:

• When the place is missing either Cherry Coke, popcorn or Milk Duds. Hey, standards are standards.

• The movie’s only available in 3D.

• The movie stars Sandra Bullock.

My opinions on 3D have been shared in this column before. It’s not a new technology. It’s predicated on forcing people to spend $2 to rent plastic glasses that make a few objects look three-dimensional, but they mostly darken the screen and line movie studios’ pockets. Go to any blockbuster where 2D and 3D is showing, and find out what sells out faster.

Sandra Bullock movies? That’s a whole other series of stories. Most Sandra Bullock movies have been the most chick-flickiest, audience-insulting movies that are the theatrical equivalent of getting blindsided with a 2-by-4 (though “The Blind Side” was OK).

This has been detailed in other columns of mine. One, titled, “Pay Attention or Sandra Bullock Awaits,” details what happened when an automatic movie shipment graced me with both movies in the “Miss Congeniality” series. Another, titled, “Sandra Bullock and the Five Stages of Grief,” details the misadventure when a friend got to the theater late and we ran into “The Proposal” instead of “The Hangover.”

I have other pet peeves, but those are two of the bigger ones. So imagine the contortions I’m dealing with convincing myself that I’ll enjoy “Gravity.”

The No. 1 movie in America is the Alfonso Cuaron-directed tale of a medical engineer and astronaut trying to survive an accident that strands them in space. It stars Ed Harris, George Clooney and … Sandra Bullock.

It’s rating a 97 percent on rottentomatoes.com and has received the following (censored) Tweet endorsements from Patton Oswalt:

• Holy expletive, GRAVITY. Holy expletiving expletive. EXPLETIVE. (You can use that on the poster if you want).

• If you can’t see GRAVITY in IMAX and 3D then don’t bother. Wait. It’s worth it.

It just so happens we’re a quick drive from an IMAX 3D theater. I give up. On my way I’ll work through my issues, and say, “Sandra, 3D, this is a one-time thing. I don’t want a relationship.”

But the theater better have my Cherry Coke, popcorn and Milk Duds.

 

Kevin Wilson is a columnist for Clovis Media Inc. He can be contacted at 763-3431, ext. 313 or by email:

kwilson@cnjonline.com

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