By Wendell Sloan
With commencement season and Mother’s Day converging, this advice is for new graduates on what gifts are appropriate/inappropriate for Mom:
Since you will probably be living with your parents as you work your way up the fast-food chain, the obvious gift would be for you to move out as soon as possible.
But since it is probably going to be months or years before you advance to night-shift assistant manager and can afford an efficiency, let me illustrate examples of undesirable gifts, then suggest a grand-slam winner (not involving late-night at Denny’s).
Even though moms will graciously thank you, they really don’t want leftover burgers or hot dogs— not even with fries.
Although restaurant managers may generously let employees take home leftovers for their dogs, you should not consider such cuisine edible for the one who birthed you — unless your mom has weird cravings from having your new little brother or sister baking in her oven.
You may also be tempted to give your mom a fast-food kids’ toy.
While a pink plastic “My Little Pony” may evoke nostalgic memories from your mom’s childhood on the lower-40, or, more likely, flashbacks about imaginary pink ponies from her hippie days, such a gift will only confirm her worst fears she has been too maternal to admit:
“My kid is a cheap, unappreciative, self-centered moocher.”
Although they say it’s the thought that counts, the only thought such a toy will elicit is your mom’s regret at opposing Planned Parenthood.
You’ll be better off simply giving your moma 50-cent card from a discount store with the scribbled message: “Good news, Mom! I’ve been promoted to night-shift manager at our affiliate in Alaska!
“P. S. Happy Mother’s Day!”
Your mom’s spontaneous hug, beaming smile and tears of joy will be an unspoken, but heartfelt, “Hot dog!”
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